The Dirty Diaper

On Tuesday night, after what appears to be a pattern of disharmony between the two, the Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen called Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti a “fag.” No member of any sport or journalistic establishment has the right to make personally harassing remarks. To make matters worse, Guillen made the excuse that the word means something else in his native language, as if he had no idea what that word means in English.

Every person who wears a uniform for a sport accepts that regardless of the performance, someone won’t like it. And regardless of how many times you have to answer a question, someone else will ask it again. And regardless of how upset you are over a win, loss, or rainout, you have to keep your emotions in check and be professional.

Guillen acts like a 12 year-old because everyone lets him. He has forgotten that reporters are the only reason anyone ever hears or reads what he says.

The media has clearly sided with Mariotti because of Guillen's outspoken past. Columnists along with Mariotti are calling for a suspension and fine. Guillen did receive a fine, but was already suspended for a prior "conviction."

In response to Guillen’s actions, Mariotti claimed he had been physically threatened in the White Sox clubhouse over the past few years. "I'm taking a stand," Mariotti said on Wednesday. "I've received physical threats through the years and the White Sox have done nothing to address it.”

So you’re going to wait until a manager with the social complexity of pine tar calls you a “fag” to bring this up? You’re going to throw years of apparent abuse on top of a manager calling you a name?

Mariotti is a weasel and wimp and needs to check his rabbit ears at the door. He takes abuse for years, does nothing about it then calls out the entire White Sox organization because of one word and a clear lack of thick skin? That’s pathetic. If he has a problem with Guillen, he needs to take it behind closed doors and settle it like an adult.

Ozzie Guillen wears his emotions on his sleeve like Donald Trump wears bad hair; you just can’t avoid it. Mariotti knew this every time he walked into the clubhouse. If past episodes occurred, then Mariotti should have done the right thing and speak up to White Sox officials and, if necessary, boycott the clubhouse then, not wait for more abuse.

I’m surprised that Mariotti hasn’t retaliated by calling Guillen a poopy stinky head.

Of course then Guillen would say, “I am rubber and you are glue, you fag. And whatever you say does not stick to me it sticks to you, fag."

Then they would both get a time out.

Once every four years, a fever envelops all corners of the earth like no other pandemic. Peoples from all walks of life gather around the nearest form of aural or visual broadcasting and intoxicate themselves on the sights and sounds, the joys and pains, the wins and losses.

The World Cup is upon us right now. The number one spectator sport in the world is in full swing. The sport generates billions of dollars in revenue from tickets, merchandise, marketing, and advertising.

I turned on the television as today’s match between the United States and Italy was to begin. The first ad I saw was for ESPN/ABC. They used “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” as the jingle to promote their coverage of the tournament. Right after that there was an intro with The Star Spangled Banner as the music bed for a video montage, the music performed by an unknown retread guitarist from the 80’s banging on his axe like a four year-old.

So I must ask: Who’s the moron who gave the green light to produce this offal? Can’t anyone find a more appropriate jingle? Answering my own question, obviously not. I have worked in television production for many years. I’ll bet jingles to stock footage this is the way that production meeting went:

OVERPAID UNDERTALENTED EXECUTIVE PRODUCER SNOB: Okay, gang. We need to generate real excitement for the World Cup. The U.S. won’t be in it that long, like before, so we need to do this right. This will be a terrific chance for us to show the world what we know about the game of kickball!

ASSISTANT BROWNNOSING INTERN PRODUCER: Soccer.

SNOB: Soccer!

GUTLESS UNORIGINAL LEMMING PRODUCER: We don’t have any footage of the U.S. actually winning, so we’re going to go with kids from low-income housing that run around a sandlot with a half-deflated soccer ball. One of them will look up as if to hope that one day he or she will be on the U.S. team. Either that or we can use small pieces of video from U.S. matches, nothing of real excitement unless we add a bunch of special effects.

SNOB: Fantastic! In my career as a producer of the classic emotional-cliché sports montage, I have never heard of anything like that. What a great, original idea!

BROWNNOSER: Great idea, boss!

ASSISTANT LEMMING PRODUCER: It was my idea.

SNOB: Now. We need music. And it can’t be any music. It has to breathe kickball!

BROWNNOSER: Soccer, sir.

SNOB: Soccer! Yes! And it has to feel like we have been playing this sport for decades!

BROWNNOSER: Or at least longer than ESPN has been on the air, right boss?

SNOB: Right! So, what kind of music should we have?

LEMMING: Well, we don’t actually have any real soccer music.

SNOB: What about that Rocky Marciano fella who has that Locomotive Living song?

BROWNNOSER: You mean Ricky Martin, who sang “Living La Vida Loca?”

SNOB: Rocky Martini! How about him? And can someone get me a Martini? Light on the vermouth, heavy on the martini! HA!

BROWNNOSER: Boss, he’s sooooo 1994 World Cup.

SNOB: Right! We need something that says 2006! This is 2006, right?

LEMMING: We don’t really have anything specifically for soccer, so we need to think about other sports music that sounds great.

SNOB: Okay. So what other music really screams the thrill of victory! The agony of defeat!

BROWNNOSER: The NFL has “Are you ready for some football?”

SNOB: That’s perfect! Isn’t that what foreigners call kickball?

LEMMING: It’s called soccer, and the term foreigners isn’t really appropriate language here.

SNOB: Oh! I’m sorry about that. I thought only people outside of America really like this stuff. Is foreigner wrong to use? I just get so excited when I produce stuff and talk loudly! Where’s my martini?

BROWNNOSER: Major League Baseball has “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.”

SNOB: What’s Major League Baseball?

LEMMING: You don’t know what Major League Baseball is? It’s professional baseball, with teams all over the country.

SNOB: Wait! Is that the game with the little white balls and wood sticks and steroids?

BROWNNOSER: Right again, big guy!

SNOB: Wow! I only thought there were two teams in that game, the Boston Red team and the New York Derek Jeter stuff! That’s all we ever show on ESPN!

BROWNNOSER: One and the same, boss!

SNOB: Let’s use that! No one outside of America knows that song, so let’s roll with it! How original! Boy, this is going to be a great commercial. Kids playing on a dirt field with that “Take Me And Ball Me Out” tune!

BROWNNOSER: You mean “Take Me Out To The-

SNOB: Whatever! Let’s do it! Where’s my martini?

BROWNNOSER: Coming right up, chief!

LEMMING: What about the rest of the programming?

SNOB: Well, we need something that screams America!

LEMMING: We could go with our national anthem.

BROWNNOSER: Or we could go with the Star Spangled Banner. How ‘bout that, big guy?!

SNOB: Love it, LOVE IT! The Star Speckled-

LEMMING: Spangled. And that was my idea-

SNOB: Sprinkled Banner! Terrific! Where do we get that music?

BROWNNOSER: I have a friend who used to be in an 80’s band. They do a totally choy version, if you know what I mean.

SNOB: Not really, but if you can find me a choy martini, the production is all yours.

LEMMING: Hey! Wait! This was all my idea!

SNOB: Let’s do it. You, the one with the stuff on your nose!

BROWNNOSER: That’s me, big guy!

SNOB: This is all yours! Great meeting. I’d like to see the finished piece on my desk first thing in the morning!

LEMMING: You don’t have a desk here.

SNOB: Then drop it off at the bar across the street!

Since it was written in 1908, “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” has exclusively celebrated the game of baseball, becoming one of the most recognizable pieces of original American music ever. Complete lack of originality and stupidity can be the only reasons ESPN thought it was good idea to use it for promoting the World Cup. And if I was a fan of the World Cup or a representative of FIFA, I would be insulted.

Memo to ESPN producers: With all the resources in ABC and Disney and the sporting world, if you can’t come up with something more original than to steal music from another sport, you should go hang yourselves.

And none of you know how to make a good martini.

I try to keep my political views to a dull roar on this blog. I also won't play political favorites. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

This is an excerpt from Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report," where Stephen Colbert interviews Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia.

This is a another black eye on the pock-marked face of government, and this is embarrasing.

One of my favorite times of the Major League Baseball season is when teams must employ their minor league system because players get hurt or traded or, frankly, suck. Apparently, if you can’t find a winner floating in trade land, you’ll be forced to bring up that number one pick who’s been swimming in your minor league system for a couple of years. And when that happens, teams seem to concede – almost with shoulder-shrugged glee! – the season.

You’ll hear all the clichés: “He’s not quite ready, but we need a shot in the arm.” “We’re going to look to him for leadership.” “He’s ready to show what he’s got at the major league level.” “We need a new rookie to find the keys to the batter’s box.” All these used to reflect that the team is in dire straits.

When Branch Rickey built what is essentially today’s minor league system, he did it because he knew that’s where ballplayers come from. Now it’s a nuisance to have to actually develop a young player into a solid addition to the team rather than go out and just buy one. Major League Baseball teams, like a 16 year-old girl with her Friday allowance, don’t understand investing in the future. They want to spend money now for instant gratification. And if a team can’t get what they want, they piss and moan about it, write off the rest of the season and pray that a free agent will be around in the off-season.

Because I read the entire Sunday Star Tribune newspaper, I read Sidney “I’m The Reason The Twins Got A New Park” Hartman. And I find a reason, every single week, to pull my hair out of my head. I love to read what other people think. But I detest when opinions are baseless, ignorant, and written because the writer likes to see his or her name in print.

For the past several weeks, Hartman has stumped for Carl “Crybaby” Pohlad’s efforts to get a new ballpark for the Twins. He sided with Carl’s threat that if the Twins didn’t get a new park, Carl would take them elsewhere. Instead of good journalism and editorial, Sidney wrote exactly what readers needed to hate anyone opposed to a new ballpark, regardless of how much it will cost Mr. and Mrs. Non-Baseball-Loving Taxpayer. He spread the gospel of Carl and the Twins, generating the love, and he’ll get his free press box seat. If you ask some of his readers, they’ll claim Sidney is the reason the Twins got the park.

Now it seems Sidney is singing a different tune. In Sunday’s [June 11] paper he writes, “The best prospects should be given an opportunity to play because the Twins have no chance of overcoming the White Sox or Tigers this season. Give some of the better prospects at Class AAA Rochester the opportunity to develop here.”

Kinesaw help us all! Forget about winning the division. Forget about he wild card. Now that the Twins have finished their 60-game season, they must resort to employing lowlife minor leaguers, those spare parts that the Minnesota Yugos needs to finish out a wasted 2006 campaign. Sidney has given up on the team that he gets to watch for free for the rest of his life.

Any true fan will support their favorite team regardless of the outcome of every game. And a true fan never gives up on their team. That is the realism every fan accepts when choosing loyalty to a particular team. Sidney’s support changes every time the wind blows. Bandwagon fans call him an athletic supporter, but I prefer a more accurate description:

Jock strap.

He then writes, “What's hard to understand is that after 60 games a year ago, the Twins had a record of 36-24. The only real loss from last year's team is Jacque Jones, who is having a great year with the Cubs, but they added a three-time All-Star second baseman in Luis Castillo to plug a big hole, along with free agents Rondell White and Tony Batista. Still, the Twins were a poor 27-33 this season after the same number of games.”

Geez, I dunno, Sid. But I’ll take a stab at it:

Look that these player stats, through June 11, 2006:

PLAYER/AVG./OBP./SLG./2006 SALARY
Batista, Tony/.236/.303/.388/$1,250,000
Castillo, Luis /.282/.346/.357/$5,071,506
White, Rondell/.190 /.209/.224/$2,500,000

Now, let’s throw Nick Punto into this mix:

Punto, Nick/.310/.406/.391/$690,000

The Twins GM, Terry Ryan, went out and spent almost nine million dollars on an overrated infielder and two has-beens, while he had what appears to be a better player sitting on the bench the whole time. I’m supposed to believe that these players were the best the Twins could do with nine million bucks?

By the way, through June 11 of last year, Jacque Jones was hitting .290. This year he’s hitting at .297. Hardly carrying the team on his shoulders. It’s always easy to compare when the player is on another team.

Maybe that will help you understand, Sidney.

Actually, what is hard to understand is that since Carl got his new playground, he has not said one word about it. In Hartman’s April 22 column, he wrote, “In fact, you could see Pohlad spending some money to improve the team this year once a ballpark becomes a reality.”

I still can’t see that. And judging by Hartman’s recent rant, I will never see it.

Did Carl say it was okay for you to write this, Sidney?

POST SCRIPT: On Wednesday, the Twins designated Tony Batista for assignment. Nice try, Terry. Maybe you can find some other way to wasted the money.