The Dirty Diaper

Once every four years, a fever envelops all corners of the earth like no other pandemic. Peoples from all walks of life gather around the nearest form of aural or visual broadcasting and intoxicate themselves on the sights and sounds, the joys and pains, the wins and losses.

The World Cup is upon us right now. The number one spectator sport in the world is in full swing. The sport generates billions of dollars in revenue from tickets, merchandise, marketing, and advertising.

I turned on the television as today’s match between the United States and Italy was to begin. The first ad I saw was for ESPN/ABC. They used “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” as the jingle to promote their coverage of the tournament. Right after that there was an intro with The Star Spangled Banner as the music bed for a video montage, the music performed by an unknown retread guitarist from the 80’s banging on his axe like a four year-old.

So I must ask: Who’s the moron who gave the green light to produce this offal? Can’t anyone find a more appropriate jingle? Answering my own question, obviously not. I have worked in television production for many years. I’ll bet jingles to stock footage this is the way that production meeting went:

OVERPAID UNDERTALENTED EXECUTIVE PRODUCER SNOB: Okay, gang. We need to generate real excitement for the World Cup. The U.S. won’t be in it that long, like before, so we need to do this right. This will be a terrific chance for us to show the world what we know about the game of kickball!

ASSISTANT BROWNNOSING INTERN PRODUCER: Soccer.

SNOB: Soccer!

GUTLESS UNORIGINAL LEMMING PRODUCER: We don’t have any footage of the U.S. actually winning, so we’re going to go with kids from low-income housing that run around a sandlot with a half-deflated soccer ball. One of them will look up as if to hope that one day he or she will be on the U.S. team. Either that or we can use small pieces of video from U.S. matches, nothing of real excitement unless we add a bunch of special effects.

SNOB: Fantastic! In my career as a producer of the classic emotional-cliché sports montage, I have never heard of anything like that. What a great, original idea!

BROWNNOSER: Great idea, boss!

ASSISTANT LEMMING PRODUCER: It was my idea.

SNOB: Now. We need music. And it can’t be any music. It has to breathe kickball!

BROWNNOSER: Soccer, sir.

SNOB: Soccer! Yes! And it has to feel like we have been playing this sport for decades!

BROWNNOSER: Or at least longer than ESPN has been on the air, right boss?

SNOB: Right! So, what kind of music should we have?

LEMMING: Well, we don’t actually have any real soccer music.

SNOB: What about that Rocky Marciano fella who has that Locomotive Living song?

BROWNNOSER: You mean Ricky Martin, who sang “Living La Vida Loca?”

SNOB: Rocky Martini! How about him? And can someone get me a Martini? Light on the vermouth, heavy on the martini! HA!

BROWNNOSER: Boss, he’s sooooo 1994 World Cup.

SNOB: Right! We need something that says 2006! This is 2006, right?

LEMMING: We don’t really have anything specifically for soccer, so we need to think about other sports music that sounds great.

SNOB: Okay. So what other music really screams the thrill of victory! The agony of defeat!

BROWNNOSER: The NFL has “Are you ready for some football?”

SNOB: That’s perfect! Isn’t that what foreigners call kickball?

LEMMING: It’s called soccer, and the term foreigners isn’t really appropriate language here.

SNOB: Oh! I’m sorry about that. I thought only people outside of America really like this stuff. Is foreigner wrong to use? I just get so excited when I produce stuff and talk loudly! Where’s my martini?

BROWNNOSER: Major League Baseball has “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.”

SNOB: What’s Major League Baseball?

LEMMING: You don’t know what Major League Baseball is? It’s professional baseball, with teams all over the country.

SNOB: Wait! Is that the game with the little white balls and wood sticks and steroids?

BROWNNOSER: Right again, big guy!

SNOB: Wow! I only thought there were two teams in that game, the Boston Red team and the New York Derek Jeter stuff! That’s all we ever show on ESPN!

BROWNNOSER: One and the same, boss!

SNOB: Let’s use that! No one outside of America knows that song, so let’s roll with it! How original! Boy, this is going to be a great commercial. Kids playing on a dirt field with that “Take Me And Ball Me Out” tune!

BROWNNOSER: You mean “Take Me Out To The-

SNOB: Whatever! Let’s do it! Where’s my martini?

BROWNNOSER: Coming right up, chief!

LEMMING: What about the rest of the programming?

SNOB: Well, we need something that screams America!

LEMMING: We could go with our national anthem.

BROWNNOSER: Or we could go with the Star Spangled Banner. How ‘bout that, big guy?!

SNOB: Love it, LOVE IT! The Star Speckled-

LEMMING: Spangled. And that was my idea-

SNOB: Sprinkled Banner! Terrific! Where do we get that music?

BROWNNOSER: I have a friend who used to be in an 80’s band. They do a totally choy version, if you know what I mean.

SNOB: Not really, but if you can find me a choy martini, the production is all yours.

LEMMING: Hey! Wait! This was all my idea!

SNOB: Let’s do it. You, the one with the stuff on your nose!

BROWNNOSER: That’s me, big guy!

SNOB: This is all yours! Great meeting. I’d like to see the finished piece on my desk first thing in the morning!

LEMMING: You don’t have a desk here.

SNOB: Then drop it off at the bar across the street!

Since it was written in 1908, “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” has exclusively celebrated the game of baseball, becoming one of the most recognizable pieces of original American music ever. Complete lack of originality and stupidity can be the only reasons ESPN thought it was good idea to use it for promoting the World Cup. And if I was a fan of the World Cup or a representative of FIFA, I would be insulted.

Memo to ESPN producers: With all the resources in ABC and Disney and the sporting world, if you can’t come up with something more original than to steal music from another sport, you should go hang yourselves.

And none of you know how to make a good martini.