tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-273373272024-02-19T10:39:14.612-06:00The Dirty DiaperBecause the web is full of it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-73403504321345949162008-10-26T13:32:00.006-05:002008-10-26T13:46:39.533-05:00I Gotta Be Me<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFpnVGk57ObnrNnA-l3708Fdk_bSDGF3fcLLhAaK0EZH0eY8VGK9hMZFaolEH8dUEhnkeykY6TbdLb_AMtHh8s0RqWzk4LjDDomHR1TKyTRf7VNm6QSIYiCC-1d3x1axOVOT-L/s1600-h/farside.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 292px; height: 355px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFpnVGk57ObnrNnA-l3708Fdk_bSDGF3fcLLhAaK0EZH0eY8VGK9hMZFaolEH8dUEhnkeykY6TbdLb_AMtHh8s0RqWzk4LjDDomHR1TKyTRf7VNm6QSIYiCC-1d3x1axOVOT-L/s400/farside.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5261532523572692818" border="0" /></a><br />“…the key to understanding a blog is to realize that it’s a broadcast, not a publication. If it stops moving, it dies. If it stops paddling, it sinks.”<br /><br />I found this Matt Drudge quote courtesy of Andrew Sullivan’s enlightening article, “<a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200811/andrew-sullivan-why-i-blog">Why I Blog.</a>”<br /><br />Out of seven pages, he only spends about three paragraphs explaining why <span style="font-style: italic;">he</span> blogs, but he does his best Ken Burns impression, laying out the universe of blogging and why, in my opinion, it’s one of the most fascinating avenues of communication or culture has seen in a long time.<br /><br />I’m happy that I read it, because I’m sinking.<br /><br />The main problem with most bloggers out there, myself included, is that we think that other people want to read what we write. We believe that writing can be interactive, that the reader can respond with support or critique, validating our purpose on this planet. I also believe that most writers think that the act of blogging itself makes them better writers.<br /><br />The best bloggers are original; their perspective is unique, offering commentary that makes the rest of us think, “I wish I wrote that.” The worst bloggers just have opinions. Unfortunately, my blogging is no more than an opinion. I’m putting my two cents on someone else’s right or wrong. Hell, <span style="font-style: italic;">this</span> entry isn’t even original. This is as much about Sullivan’s article as it is my own musings.<br /><br />“You end up writing about yourself,” Sullivan writes. Sort of. Most of the time you end up writing about your relationship with the world. A diary is where you write about yourself. And there is a difference between a diary and a blog. I have a diary and I write in it frequently, sometimes a few lines, sometimes a few pages. My diary is the play-by-play of my own life, the John McEnroe/Mary Carillo commentary, stating the obvious, explaining the reasoning behind it, and arguing about it. I’m not always right.<br /><br />And I never share it with anyone.<br /><br />Why do I blog? Because everyone else does. It’s a confession, a way to tell the whole damn world just what I think. I want to bring another voice to the cacophony of spirited discussion. I want to tell people how right and wrong they are, and I want verification that my argument is valid and acceptable.<br /><br />I’m the penguin just trying to be me.<br /><br />But what I really wanted was interactivity. I would post a blog and check my e-mail daily to see if anyone had anything to say about my diatribes.<br /><br />But my commentary is neither original nor poignant. It’s this schlub’s attempt to write about something that has already been driven through the meat grinder by hundreds of thousands of fellow keyboards. I don’t drive traffic to my blog. I don’t use tags, I don’t add metadata, I don’t practice good Search Engine Optimization, and I don’t offer links to dirty pictures for $3.95 a nanosecond.<br /><br />I’m a hypocrite. I am afraid to put my real name here because I write about people that bother me, some of them very close to me. They would not hesitate to see my life change for the worse should they learn they are the target of my bursts of anger and disgust. I don’t want to get fired.<br /><br />I don’t care what the world thinks about my opinions. And if I don’t care, then I don’t see the need to tell the world. (Cue the “cynical” response here.)<br /><br />I thoroughly enjoy writing. Right now I’m throwing ideas on some paper to see if they stick enough to make a novel. (Betcha 10 bucks I’ll have a pseudonym if I’m published.)<br /><br />But I don’t enjoy writing if I feel like I have to, if I can be honest with it, and if I can't put my own name at the bottom. I don’t enjoy sneaking around the interweb. There’s no validation in, “Hey, you’re right, whoever you are!”<br /><br />I see the world only through my own eyes while trying to wrap them around the perspective of others. I work at a big company, have a wife I would run through walls for, two children that hold my heart in theirs, and two dogs that make me vacuum every other day. I am old enough to see the eighth president of my lifetime take office in a few days, but young enough to dedicate a huge portion of my audio library to hip-hop. And that is my life. I have the time to inveigh against society, but too much perspective leads me to think otherwise. My life will be better suited by my motives today than reading a bunch of rants 20 years from now.<br /><br />Blogging has a higher purpose, but I need to find it. Until I do, two things should happen: Feel free stop by and let me know if I’m doing this right, and please read <a href="http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/">Andrew Sullivan</a>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-8843101568470057962008-10-01T17:34:00.003-05:002008-10-01T17:48:04.295-05:00You Can't Even Fake It Well<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV3mbE0iIWUEQ-5IZCVt4S01lcOTveMGa77odaSj_s4OqAJ3IjvQTmgpj3qq5hSA4S45u7uMrIil3YZUmBSEEyfXHXFXbIgFOZtN-O5gmR8XspOhbA_AMlrsek-SIhgOsMd3n5/s1600-h/spam.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV3mbE0iIWUEQ-5IZCVt4S01lcOTveMGa77odaSj_s4OqAJ3IjvQTmgpj3qq5hSA4S45u7uMrIil3YZUmBSEEyfXHXFXbIgFOZtN-O5gmR8XspOhbA_AMlrsek-SIhgOsMd3n5/s400/spam.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252317819410155602" border="0" /></a><br />Today, I got the above spam in my e-mail. We can look at the poor grammar, whatever.<br /><br />$620.50? Are you freaking kidding me? Have you stupid spammers been watching the news lately? Have you seen what has been happening to the markets?<br /><br />It's one thing to take advantage of me because I may not know how to spell "forumlar." Didn't the little red line show up under that word when you typed it in your word processor?<br /><br />But then to completely insult my intelligence. Do you think that $620.50 is some sort of windfall for me? On Tuesday, I lost, like, a gazillion dollars in the stock market. On Wednesday, I got some of it back. BUT WAIT! There's $650.20 credited back to my MasterCharge because the IRS put it there?<br /><br />Buddy, idiot, whatever you are, the feds need that money more than I do.<br /><br />Go do your homework, idiot. Then come back and fool me with your spam.<br /><br />SheeshUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-3036486177338715042008-09-25T13:33:00.003-05:002008-09-26T14:52:53.792-05:00Log On, Or Look OutThe team meeting ended with a discussion from our leader, “I don’t want to be the asshole, but I need to discuss something with all of you.<br /><br />“As all of you know, now we’re in our push for corporate donations to BigBigCharity, and part of that is asking all the employees to log on to BigBigCharity’s website and either donate or opt out. As of today, many of the departments have achieved 100 percent log-on participation, but our department has less than 20 percent of the people doing so. I would love to see our team get to 100 percent because it shows that we’re engaged.”<br /><br />At this point, one of my co-workers said, “I hate getting those e-mails. And I do not think I should have to log on to say no.”<br /><br />Leaderboy responded, “But that is how we know that you don’t want to donate.”<br /><br />Then I chimed in, “I would like to offer some perspective on this. First, I know it’s okay to ask employees to donate to a charity, but you run the risk of illegal activity if you’re asking us again because we have chosen not to. You know I’m not blaming you, Leaderboy, but speaking rhetorically here. However, I would imagine that the poor log-on rate <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> the actual answer: that people do not want to log on or engage; they are saying 'no' by not logging on.”<br /><br />To which Leaderboy responded, “I understand that. But the problem is that by not logging on to their site, it shows our leadership that we are not engaged. And our leaders start to ask the question that if the teams won’t be engaged with corporate activity, then why should we be asked to run a multi-billion dollar company? So it’s in our best interest to log on and opt out of any more messaging.”<br /><br />Meeting over.<br /><br />I choose not to donate when asked, then am given a veiled threat if I don't.<br /><br />By the way. I did log in and "opt out." It's not worth the risk to allow these retards to either respect that I do not wish to take part or fire me.<br /><br />And I would say something to HR if it mattered.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-73676774005611862672008-09-20T14:41:00.001-05:002008-09-21T07:19:57.364-05:00Please, don't call. I don't want to talk to you.“I’m meeting with the hiring manager on Tuesday, and will certainly bring your resume to him in the discussion.”<br /><br />“May I call you Wednesday to follow up?” I asked.<br /><br />“Certainly,” she said, “Please, call me. We do not operate under a ‘Don’t-call-us-we’ll-call-you’ system here. I’m more than happy to talk again.”<br /><br />On Wednesday afternoon, I telephoned, but got the friendly default voicemail message, “You’ve reached Wendy. I am either away from my desk or on the other line. Please leave a message and I’ll return your call as soon as I can.” I did. I also followed that call with e-mail.<br /><br />Wednesday ended with no response to either. Thursday drifted by without a word. On Friday, I left another voicemail and e-mail to her attention, but to no avail.<br /><br />Now the weekend is here, and no response.<br /><br />It is truly mind-boggling that in the day of electronic communication, people have completely discarded professional courtesy. How hard is it to pick up the phone and return a call? How difficult can it be to respond to e-mail? And even if the response is bad news, how hard can it be if you’re a recruiter? Isn’t that your job?<br /><br />How the hell did you get your job? You? To actually recruit others when you don’t do it?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-57150601589810828802007-12-28T07:13:00.000-06:002007-12-28T07:14:54.253-06:00#2 on #1I thought the bathroom was the last vestige of privacy in an office, a place where I could compose myself, or decompose myself if needed, I suppose.<br /><br />But that all changed with the click of a smart phone.<br /><br />In the bathroom this morning, I heard the familiar clicks of a smart phone from a gentlemen(?) scribing a quick note off to someone.<br /><br />He was sitting on the potty. He was pooping. And he was typing off an email to someone.<br /><br />Between the farts and the beeps, I could only shake my head and wonder if the recipient knew the sender thought so highly of the former that he could not wait to relieve himself and had to dash off an email right away.<br /><br />These are the people running our capitalist society, folks. In our short attention-span society of 24/7 communication, they realize that the first rule of business and the second rule of waste must at times mix. They won't let little things like bowel movements stand in their way if they are on location. Business is business.<br /><br />What a staggering breach of bathroom and professional etiquette. Had I the opportunity to go back, I would have jumped in the next stall, reached my hand under the partition, asked to borrow his smart phone to make a call, and instead wipe my own butt with it.<br /><br />Perhaps instead of the compulsory "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom of the message, the sender could have written, "Sent from the crapper on floor seven. And depending on where you are, you actually could get both at the same time.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-49533513071926823652007-12-01T08:33:00.000-06:002007-12-01T08:36:26.398-06:00Random ThoughtsNo matter what anyone thinks, all breakfast cereals taste better with whole milk. No other type of milk will do.<br /><br /><br />If the writers and producers can't come to an agreement over contracts, wouldn't it be prudent to have the writers for "Boston Legal" and "L.A. Law" and "Law and Order" write up some contracts? They don't seem to have any problems doing it weekly for the show...<br /><br /><br />The vast majority of information in parenting magazines is common sense. This leads me to believe that the vast majority of subscribers to these magazines are people who should not be reproducing in the first place.<br /><br /><br />Riding the bus is not only a way to help reduce the carbon emissions, it is also a terrific environment to discover new and unique smells, namely the body odor from people (drivers included) who don't shower for days. Makes my morning bathing that much more enjoyable.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-2028467170578011462007-11-24T09:34:00.000-06:002007-11-24T09:35:57.777-06:00FWOTD: BesterOkay, this one is just simply asinine.<br /><br />I actually heard a director say this: "We need to provide four levels of service: good, better, best, bester. If we have that fourth level, that is where we'll start to see the return on investment."<br /><br />Are you kidding me? My 22 month-old daughter has never made up a word that bad.<br /><br />I think I was just as surprised he did not say, "Okay, I'm going to make up a word here because I'm a idiot. But you'll know what I'm talking about. It's important for our proactive progress strategy, our proprostrategeressivity"<br /><br />The funny thing is that everyone knew what he was talking about. We need to take our service to the next level because that's where we make the money. We need to take it to the bester level. Only one level to go until the real money starts rolling in. Yes, that would be the bestest level.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-51794185623159817642007-11-22T13:40:00.001-06:002007-11-24T08:43:17.655-06:00Fake Word Of The Day: ContuitousOne joy of working in a corporate environment is hearing my leaders (corporate lingo for "bosses") speak. No lie here: I truly enjoy listening to people who have spent countless hours in board room meetings, worked with billions of dollars of revenue, and taken their enterprise into the Fortune 100. If you listen closely, they'll give away the secrets of how they did it.<br /><br />And they'll invent words.<br /><br />Corporate vernacular grows with new buzzwords or phrases that are embraced from the board room to the mail room. Perhaps it's because corporations need words to better describe an industry version of a non-industry noun, verb or adjective. One example is "endemic." By definition the word means, "Natural to or characteristic of a specific people or place; native; indigenous; belonging exclusively or confined to a particular place." But the word has grown to also mean something characteristic of the project, environment, or culture of the industry. And now it's a sexy word because of the added meaning. So the speaker sounds very smart. Very cool.<br /><br />But it's sad that a room full of MBAs lack sufficient experience with - and sometimes comprehension - of the English language. It's sad that they consciously think that using bigger words will help them sound smarter. It's sad that they invent words and think they can get away with it. Setting proper grammar aside, which is routinely abused (I'm guilty as charged on occasion), there's simply no excuse to invent words just get your point across. And it should not matter where you are, where you work, or how many words you have in your title.<br /><br />These people sound dumb.<br /><br />This is where I come in: the peon in the corner who takes notes. At the front of my notebook is a page dedicated to discovering new and conjured words and bringing them out of the board room and into the real world for all to see.<br /><br />So without further ado, let us start with the first word: CONTUITOUS (con-TOO-i-tus).<br /><br />Oooh. This is a good one. When it was used, not one other person in the room knew this was a fake word. I used it in a sentence after the violator did just to see if I had it right:<br /><br />Violator: "We need make [the vendor]'s work with the pilot and the business contuitous."<br /><br />Me: "But will [they] be contuitous with the other vendors who have submitted bids?"<br /><br />Violator: "I believe so. Does anyone see any issues with the [the vendor]'s approach?"<br /><br />Crickets.<br /><br />It sounds soooo right, almost better than a malaprop. But it's not a real word at all. The violator, the owner of a proud MBA, slid that sucker in there like a greased hot dog through Jell-O. He pulled it off without anyone else even realizing that the "smartest guy in the room" fed them a big 'ol stinky fake word.<br /><br />This doesn't say much for my colleagues either. The fact that I, out of 12 people in the room, was the only one to catch this doesn't say much.<br /><br />So if you hear anyone use the word, "contuitous," you can now safely stand up, reach across the table, smack the violater in the neck fat, calmly explain the violation, sit down, and laugh a little while you jot down in your notes that you must tell all your friends about this.<br /><br />But go ahead and use it when talking to dumb people. That's fun.<br /><br />Another word soon...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-26122758593218345872007-09-09T12:44:00.000-05:002007-09-09T13:06:20.036-05:00I Don't RecycleI have stopped recycling. I have stopped separating plastics, glass and metal from my daughter's soiled diapers, the reams of tissue we go through in our house, and a small mountain of used coffee grounds.<br /><br />I want to recycle. I really do. But I want something in return: I want to know that the efforts of my city are equal to the task. They are not. At all.<br /><br />My current waste bill reads like this:<br /><br />Solid waste base fee: $23<br />Large cart disposal fee: $8<br />Recycling credit: $7<br />9.5% Solid waste management fee: $1.86<br />Total: $39.86.<br /><br />I pay 31 bucks per month to have my garbage hauled away. I am credited seven bucks if I separate my recyclables from the garbage.<br /><br />Before, I was putting in about two hours per week to recycle. This included cleaning out the recyclable material, separating it from the trash, placing it in the proper receptacles, and having the recyclables at the curb by the prescribed time every other Friday, according to the rules set by the City Of Minneapolis.<br /><br />My first infraction was that I placed two corrugated cardboard boxes out with the recycling. I broke two rules. 1) One of the boxes measured four feet by three feet. (The acceptable size is three feet by three feet. The other box was within the size limit); 2) The two boxes were not bundled together by twine. Stupid me. I made the asinine assumption that using twine to bundle two pieces of cardboard together was a waste in itself, and our trusty and able-bodied recycling personnel would have a hard time picking up two broken-down cardboard boxes. Apparently the recycling personnel lack capable motor skills with their six-foot arm span.<br /><br />I actually received a letter from the city threatening me with taking away my seven-dollar credit if I did not follow the rules of proper corrugated cardboard handling.<br /><br />Whatever.<br /><br />About two months later, I received another notice, a yellow tag, on the bin that contained all the recyclable plastics. . .or so I thought they were all recyclables.<br /><br />This time, I simply have no idea what I did wrong because the idiot recycling person failed to properly explain my wrongdoing. The yellow tag had pen marks equal to chicken scratches. The rule for plastic bottles is as follows:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">PLASTIC BOTTLES</span> - Rinse, clean and place in paper bags. Remove and throw away all caps, lids, and pumps.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Do not include</span> - peanut butter, yogurt, or butter tubs; motor oil, pesticide or prescription bottles; plastic bags; foam containers; or microwave dinner trays.</span><br /><br />The chicken scratches had underlined "Do not include," and "containers." That's interesting, because not one of the recyclable plastics in that bin violated any of the above rule.<br /><br />So I did exactly as they have asked, and they still won't take my recycling.<br /><br />But wait, there's more. I was also left with a typed half page letter that looked to be mimeographed by the secretary at the elementary school I used to attend. Every grammatical error you see below is exactly as the letter is written:<br /><br />recycle<br />Plastic Bottles Bottles with a neck Plastic bottles<br />such as antifreeze, bleach, conditioner, cooking<br />oil, dish detergent, distilled water, fabric<br />softener, ketchup laundry detergent, lotion, milk,<br />pop, syrup, water, windshield fluid, etc... Rinse and<br />place in paper bags. Bag and place caps, lids, and<br />rings inside the garbage cart.<br /><br />Plastic tubs, buckets or jars are not accepted<br /> Plastic Tubs and Trays Bag and place inside the<br />garbage cart. We do not accept this item in the<br />recycling program. Market for this plastic is poor.<br />These plastics are usually a lower quality than<br />bottles. Clear plastics such as PET, PP and PS look<br />the same and are especially tough to sort on a<br />plastics sorting line. There is absolutely no market<br />for microwave trays.<br /><br />Here is what I have gleaned from this tripe:<br /><br />1. I'm supposed to place the unacceptable items in a bag and then put them in the garbage cart.<br />2. I'm supposed to know how a tub, bucket, or jar is different from a bottle.<br />3. I'm supposed to know the difference between PET, PP, and PS plastics.<br />4. I'm supposed to know the market value of all plastics, therefore able to separate approximately 20 different kinds of recyclable plastic.<br />5. Clear plastics look the same and are especially tough to sort in a plastics sorting line. I'm supposed to know this because the sorters, the people who are paid to do this, don't know the difference themselves.<br /><br />Let us not forget that generous seven dollar credit. I get seven bucks credited to me per month to know more than the people actually recycling it.<br /><br />Let's just say those people are making $20 per hour to take my recycling away, sort it, and send it off to recycle-ville. That would be $40 per week I should earn to do their job because they can't. That would be $160 per month. I get $7 per month, or 35 cents per hour.<br /><br />To summarize: I am being given a credit of 35 cents per hour to do their job because they are incompetent.<br /><br />To hell with that.<br /><br />Before every environmentalist out there screams bloody murder, remember that recycling still is not an exact science. Recycling doesn't necessarily save money (I'm paying 31 bucks a month, but getting a seven dollar "credit"). I don't know of any situation where products made and packaged with recycled material are cheaper now than before recycled material was used.<br /><br />And for those who think I should do it just because it's the right thing to do, it isn't. Whenever I donate my time or money, I demand to know that it's going to someone or something worthwhile. Otherwise I do not donate.<br /><br />Recycling is a voluntary initiative, and because I do put the time and effort into making sure it's within the limits of the rules, I can make the decision on whether or not to recycle, and whether it's going to benefit me, my community, or this planet in the short or long term.<br /><br />Unfortunately, my effort is ignored because the people responsible for it are incompetent.<br /><br />Therefore, it is a waste of my time and effort. And with all waste, I'll do what I have always done: Throw it in the garbage.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-32069497653626367992007-08-05T11:39:00.000-05:002007-08-05T11:41:04.331-05:00The Scope Of The ScoopBefore August 1, Minneapolis was the upper Midwest's hidden secret. It was a city that earned attention; Minneapolis didn't generate it. It was a city that no one outside of Minneapolis seemed to know, but couldn't forget after visiting. It was a city where I could drive a golf ball from the tallest building downtown and hit a cornstalk before the ground. It was a city that took care of itself. Minneapolis was a warm fuzzy. I live in Minneapolis.<br /><br />But now, Minneapolis has joined the list of locales that are home to disastrous events. The I-35W bridge collapse planted Minneapolis under the world's media microscope. Every news source has a hotel room or campsite near the collapse, and they are competing for the eyes and ears of the world.<br /><br />I now have the first person experience of media sensationlism.<br /><br />Staggering.<br /><br />So staggering that Minnesotans have been shaking their heads at the superlatives the collective media has thrown out there. I wasn't sure if I was watching coverage of a disaster or a movie review. As the news of the collapse unfolded and expanded, so too did the number of adverbs that ended in "-ingly."<br /><br />Disasters of any magnitude are awful. Death aint funny. And one death is too many. And nothing I can write or say will ever equal the emotional rollercoaster that friends and families of victims will ride. But those who take the opportunity to speak to the masses apparently lose all comprehension of context.<br /><br />This is an indictment of those who lose perspective on the magnitude of events that happen every day all over the world, and those who take advantage of events for their own (or their company's) benefit.<br /><br />Showing up on the scene, our own Governor Tim Pawlenty said, "Obviously this is a catastrophe of historic proportions."<br /><br />This is not a "catastrophe of historic proportions." 9/11 was a catastrophe of historic proportions. In five years, no one outside of Minneapolis will dedicate air time to "8/1." This is a disaster, a huge disaster at that. But as of this writing, only five people have been reported dead with eight people still missing. This wasn't an earthquake that took thousands of lives, or a tsunami that swallowed countless people. This wasn't a hurricane that wiped out an entire city. This was hardly a catastrophe.<br /><br />Brian Williams, the NBC anchor, said Minneapolis is a city turned "upside down."<br /><br />Huh?<br /><br />Seeing the treatment by the press, one can conclude that they were waiting for the one cause of the collapse that eluded them: Terrorism. Had this been an act of terrorism, every outlet would have their soundbites and profound observations in the can.<br /><br />How sexy would, "...catastrophe of historic proportions" have sounded? Dead sexy, baby. How clairvoyant would Brian Williams be? Because had this been an act of terrorism, I have no doubt this city would have absolutely flipped.<br /><br />But it wasn't. It was some boring reason, like deficient structural load, or old age, or some mundane reason that only bridge-building Ph.D.s are wetting their pants over right now. It wasn't any reason that would justify the hyperbole spewed by the media. Sorry, false alarm.<br /><br />But it gets better. Friday, the First Lady, Laura Bush, arrived to view the wreckage. Why the hell did she bother to come? What's she going to do about it? Did she come here to tell us that her husband was on the way?<br /><br />Maybe she did. Saturday, President Bush decided to show up. How thoughtful of him to take time out of his busy schedule to view the site three days after the incident. Of course, once someone whispered into his ear that it wasn't a terrorist attack, he probably felt much better and decided to get here when he had the chance.<br /><br />Since we're in a presidential race, why not throw a candidate into the mix? Saturday, John McCain, trying to win the Republican nomination, blamed congress for not providing billions of dollars toward transportation needs. "We spent approximately $20 billion of that money on pork barrel, earmark projects," said McCain. "Maybe if we had done it right, maybe some of that money would have gone to inspect those bridges and other bridges around the country. Maybe the 200,000 people who cross that bridge every day would have been safer than spending $233 million of your tax dollars on a bridge in Alaska to an island with 50 people on it." Okay, so let me ask this, Senator: Would any of that money reached Minneapolis in time to fix the bridge? If not, how long would you have waited after the collapse to complain about the red tape?<br /><br />I'm sure Senator McCain won't be the only candidate we hear from.<br /><br />By Saturday night, Barry Bonds hit not only the 755th home run of his career, tying Hank Aaron, but he also hit the nail in the coffin for the bridge story's three-day run on the front page. Based on the media's track record of sensationalism and short attention spans, it's easy to shift gears when there's no terrorism involved. And really, is there anything more important going on right now than a man hitting a home run? Apparently not.<br /><br />We are all exhausted from the conflict in Iraq. But lack of a compelling story doesn't excuse anyone from the overblown hype this story received. Minnesota's football team isn't good enough to get away with love boats or dog fights. We can't buy booze on Sundays, so if you need a place to send Lindsay Lohan, she would have one less day during the week to drink.<br /><br />But judging by the attention this event generated, most news outlets are in full "one-upmanship" mode. It's not a matter of scoop, it's a matter of scope. It doesn't matter any longer that any journalist was first on the scene. It's not a matter of proper perspective. It's a matter of finding someone who can provide insight, someone who can take us through the event nanosecond by nanosecond; someone who has a sister-in-law whose boss knows the driver of a limousine owned by a guy who nearly walked past a lady who frequents a knitting shop just on the other side of the river who saw it on the news as it unfolded and just had to run down and see for herself.<br /><br />C'mon.<br /><br />My family and I received a lot of phone calls from family and friends hoping we were safe, and I am truly flattered. But I wonder how urgent those phone calls would have been had this been treated like what it really was: A very big deal, but not a catastrophe.<br /><br />I'm sad for the audience of caring people who are fed this sensationalist crap by starving journalists and politicians who can't do any better than jump on a tragedy to get some ink.<br /><br />I'm sad for Minneapolis, a terrific city with black eye.<br /><br />I'm most sad for the families and friends of the victims. Besides having their loved ones back, they probably want the one thing the media won't allow. They want this story to go away. Fast.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-7846843674789654322007-04-01T14:36:00.000-05:002007-04-01T14:40:34.647-05:00Affirmative InactionI have a friend in Boston who is a long-time veteran of security and pursuing a Master’s Degree in Criminal Justice. He is a Caucasian Irish-Catholic and knows more ways to bring a man to his knees than the pope with a bottle of Bushmills. Yet for all his experience, he’s having a difficult time gaining employment with the Boston Police Department as a full-time officer. He sent me this article:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Saturday, March 31, 2007<br />BOSTON -- The Boston Police Department were out at the South Bay Mall recruiting today. The BPD has extended the sign-up deadline to April 23 for anyone who wants to take the state civil service exam. Candidates must be between the ages of 21 and 32 and be a US citizen. The recruitment drive is part of an effort to attract more minority candidates.</span><br /><br />He writes:<br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />I can understand the US citizen requirement, but the rest baffles me, given that at full capacity, there should be approximately 1,200 BPD officers and there are currently approximately 800, and the violence has gotten so bad that the <br />Guardian Angels have arrived and begun walking our streets (to little avail considering there has already been one fatal shooting and two nonfatal shootings since Friday morning when they arrived in town).<br /><br />BPD is notorious for having an extremely difficult hiring process that begins with a person's ethnic, police, or military background (or lack thereof). <br /><br />Should these be the frontline requisites for determining who may be qualified to best serve the greater Boston public interests? Or are the requirements to become a Boston Police Officer not only stringent but also politically and sociologically biased?<br /><br />This disturbs me because Boston PD already has one of the most diverse <br />Police Departments I have ever heard of. I can confidently state that this PD has everyone from lesbian minorities to ethnic males who would be otherwise stereotyped as terrorists, employed and performing their assigned duties to the best of their abilities. I feel that this is as it should be in a major metropolitan area.<br /><br />When a PD already has that, why would it limit itself to a certain pool of applicants instead of getting the largest pool possible and determining from there who the most qualified candidates are?<br /><br />Considering that Boston PD promotes the fact that it is the oldest Police Department in the nation, there is little doubt that anything said herein will change a well-ingrained tradition, but haven't we been taught for generations to question authority?</span><br /><br />This is the second time I have heard of this. Previously it was with another friend in another city. He’s a white guy with more credentials than he can pin on his lapel and jobless because the PD was hiring minorities.<br /><br />My two friends and I can’t imagine handing a badge and a gun over to anyone less than the most qualified personnel. It seems we are in the minority.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-74814358734853042902007-02-24T09:53:00.000-06:002007-02-24T09:57:26.169-06:00My Right As A ThespianWhen I was in college I performed with the school’s theater group. This proved two very important points. The acting was terrible. And as a thespian I was obligated to watch the Academy Awards. <br /><br />Every year, I would be asked ad nauseam, “Did you watch the Oscars last night?” Every year, my response was, “Nope.” <br /><br />“Why not!? Everyone else did! As a Thespian, you should be curious to see who won!” Heathen! How dare I not delight in a night of recognition of the year’s most outstanding achievements in film while soaking up the couture of my fellow actors! Indeed, this is a blow to all Thespianity!<br /><br />I don’t watch the Academy Awards because I don’t care. I don’t care who wins what, who wears whom, and who didn’t get thanked. I don’t care how the party was after the show. I don’t care because I don’t need an award show to tell me what I think are the best performances of the year. Most importantly, I don’t care because the Academy never called and asked me to pick the winners. Sacreligious Thespites they are, I tell you!<br /><br />One time I was asked, “I prefer the Tony’s, don’t you?” I replied, “No. I like the DiGiorno.”<br /><br />It’s always necessary to recap each nominee within a category by showing us a clip from the film, doing a musical number from a song in the film, interviewing someone from the film, going to a commercial that promotes the DVD release of the film, coming back and honoring someone with a lifetime achievement that has culminated with his or her work on the film, going to another commercial promoting the super expanded and unrated two-disc DVD release of the film, coming back from commercial to honor the catering service with a lifetime achievement award for delivering meals to four of the top five films of the year with the fifth film’s set opting for DiGiorno Pizza each day. Then only three hours left until you find out that your favorite film did not win whatever award you were hoping the film and crew would take home because it was one of the awards given out before the event went on the air.<br /><br />So on Monday, while the entire civilization frets over the best and worst dressed Thespians, I’ll be clothed in my favorite sweatpants and feasting on a lavish meal of day-old DiGiorno pizza with Coke while watching Sesame Street with my daughter. Hold the anchovies.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1164573661784924892006-11-26T14:40:00.000-06:002006-11-26T14:41:01.796-06:00Thanks, But No ThanksIt is almost the end of the Thanksgiving weekend. I am thankful that I spent a warm and wonderful holiday with my family and friends. I am thankful that once again I tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to alter the ratio of human-to-turkey DNA in my body, the only result being a darn good nap. I am thankful that I did not allow one piece of apple pie to get away from me.<br /><br />And I am thankful that all the columnists of the world can put their annual “turkey” awards to bed for another year.<br /><br />It seems that you just don’t have true street cred unless you write an entire article picking on all the people you picked on the previous 10 months then rank them to find the biggest idiot out of them. And there is no shortage of categories. From the biggest professional athlete turkey to the biggest political turkey to the biggest celebrity turkey to the biggest evangelical-leader-turned-gay-drug-user turkey, there’s a category for all religions. Some writers, whose prose helps me start fires in my fireplace during Minnesota’s nine cold months, may even get top billing in their section, as if the entire reading world waits with baited breath to see who was picked this year!<br /><br />And all these writers suddenly exercise their funny bone. I mean, really, what is funnier that dredging up and writing about lousy people and lousy events? I mean, since we all spend the rest of the year bad-writing everyone, I can’t think of anything more hilarious except, kicking a brick wall with my bare feet.<br /><br />I guess I will not be a complete and accepted writer until I find someone or something to put on a pedestal and affix a “turkey” label. So here goes: My final first annual Turkey Of The Year Award goes to every single writer who writes “Turkey Of The Year Award” articles. I read at least 10 articles where a writer, drunk with top-billing power, spent several paragraphs writing about someone who is tops on the list of stupidity this year. <br /><br />But wait, there’s more. Then I get a top x list of the runner-ups(where x equals the number or people the writer believes belong in this category), those who were real turkeys, but not truly top-turkey material. And every article closes with some profound statement that encompasses the entire point, wraps a little bow around it and shoves it in a Ziploc bag for all to have sandwiches for the next seven weeks. Coincidentally, x also equal the number of times the writer makes a futile attempt to be funny.<br /><br />Thanks for the giving, article-writer, but I’ll have my turkey on the table next to the stuffing. Now, return to your back page and write about stuff that fills back pages, like obituaries and cars for sale and things.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1161911136878649632006-10-26T20:01:00.000-05:002006-10-26T20:05:36.890-05:00Elected Is As Stupid DoesWith the mid-term elections here, I realize that I have more intelligence than every single member of our elected federal government and most of my local government. I’m not kidding here. I truly believe that I have more knowledge, a more rounded outlook on the world events around me, and the ability to control and execute my mental faculties better than any member of the federal government.<br /><br />Regardless of party affiliation, regardless of state affiliation, and regardless of the corruption that seems to follow all of them, I can say, very easily and confidently, that I am smarter than these people.<br /><br />Case in point: I was watching a debate on a nationally televised Sunday morning talk show. Here is the transcript from that show, verbatim, of a conversation between a current representative of congress and the moderator:<br /><br />REP: We have to keep to keep the approach of keeping spending under control. I’m the author of the line-item veto. I don’t understand why we want to build a bridge to nowhere in Alaska, a rain forest in Iowa.<br /><br />MOD: But you voted for both those proposals.<br /><br />REP: I voted for every single Jeff Flake amendment to take out these crazy…(unintelligible)…[sic]<br /><br />MOD: But in final passage, those proposals were legislation you voted for.<br /><br />REP: They were, because I support roads, because I support making sure that we’re moving forward with key programs. But you ought not to hold a whole bill hostage because there’s silly stuff in it. We ought to have a line-item veto for the president, whether Republican or Democrat, to cut that junk out of there, hold congress accountable, keep spending under control.<br /><br />In the span of about one minute, the representative admitted that he spends too much money and claimed to misunderstand the proposals but voted for them anyway because it’s not right to keep from passing legislation if there’s “silly stuff in it.” Finally, he blamed himself. By the way, neither of the mentioned proposals is occurring in his home state.<br /><br />Here is another total idiot in charge of my money, a complete and utter moron.<br /><br />Folks, if this ain't a reason to get out there and vote, I ain't gonna figure another reason why.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1158023005465218162006-09-11T20:02:00.000-05:002006-09-12T13:11:28.156-05:001,825<p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">In the past five years, I have changed careers twice, moved from California to Minnesota, gotten married and fathered a child. If you ask others, you’ll probably hear very different tales of how life has changed since September 11, 2001. And for many, mine pale in comparison.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">We all have a “first” event, an event that burned so brightly in our minds that we know exactly where we were and what we were doing when it happened. 9/11 was my “first” event. I would like to think that my life was built around the events that occurred to me, not around me. I was almost 2,500 miles from New York. But I will never avoid the affects of that day, whether I am traveling across the country or sitting in my own living room.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">On or about every September 11, I think back to what I was doing. Living on the west coast at the time, I was going to work at an unreasonably early hour. I wasn’t having trouble sleeping and I didn’t have any feelings of dread. I was simply trying to catch up on work. I heard it on the radio first. Then I spent the next 10 hours glued to a TV. I did not go home.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">On or about every September 11, I think about Shanksville, Pennsylvania. I think about the Pentagon, and I think about New York, and how I could not have been farther away from ground zero. At the same time, I was drawn in as close to these places as anyone can get without actually being there.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I do this on or about every September 11, not just on the five-year anniversary. All I need to do is take a look at the world around me every day, or the news every night, and I remember 9/11. I wonder why it took five years to talk about these events in such detail. I wonder why the media felt the urge to flood the airwaves now instead of the past four 9/11s. I wonder if we’ll all tuck these events back into the trunk until the ten-year anniversary, then pull them back out and relive them while telling ourselves to never forget. It is sad that we should commemorate such an event simply because of a traditional anniversary increment.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">This event reshaped the lives of countless people forever, changing the outcome of every single day for so many. For those directly affected by the morning of September 11, 2001, they have lived daily through 1,825 anniversaries, not just five.</span></p><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:georgia;">I do not have a poem, and I do not have anything profound to say that hasn’t been said thousands of times by people way smarter than me. But I do not want to see our world wait another five years.</span><span style="font-family:georgia;"> </span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1154564744015344832006-08-02T19:22:00.000-05:002006-08-02T19:29:29.256-05:00Which Way Does The Bandwagon Roll?<p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">As a columnist, it’s hard not to root for the home team, to pat them on the back when they win and kick them in the shin when they lose. At the same time, readers rely on a columnist to provide the insight that regular schmoes won’t see, to write tidbits about the team that keep the fans wanting more, and to keep their personal love or hate in their back pocket.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">But when you flat out deceive your readers and badmouth the team you’re covering, you shouldn’t be responsible for half a page in the Sunday sports section. Sidney Hartman owes anyone who reads his tripe an apology.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">In his <a href="http://www.startribune.com/507/story/583303.html">July 30</a> column, Sidney wrote, “The fact that the Twins will be playing in a new ballpark in the future, one that will generate a lot more revenue, won't have any effect on adding to the payroll this season or in the near future, according to Twins General Manager Terry Ryan.” Sidney went on to write that he asked Ryan, “if the presence of the new park in the future would have any effect on the Twins' decision to pick up the $12 million option next season on Torii Hunter or to buy out his contract.” Ryan’s answer, "Just state the facts. He's got a $12 million option with a $2.5 million buyout It's just plain and simple. Do you want to pick it up or do you want to buy it out?" Sidney puts this in the context that Ryan is not showing his hand with Hunter’s future in Minneapolis. Even the caption under a photo of Ryan says, “Twins General Manager Terry Ryan said the team’s new ballpark will not have a bearing on adding payroll during the next couple of years.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">When the debate for the new ballpark was in full swing three months ago, Sidney wrote in his April 22 column, “What the Twins fans should know is that if the stadium bill passes the Legislature there will be a bigger budget for the team. That means there will be a much better chance of picking up the $12 million option on Torii Hunter's contract next year and signing other big-money players who could make the Twins a winner.” Sidney added, “In fact, you could see Pohlad spending some money to improve the team this year once a ballpark becomes a reality.” <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">Without a new ballpark, the Twins would struggle bringing in and keeping big-ticket players. But by adding the new ballpark to the equation, Sidney made it easily sound like Hunter would roam center field for the Twins for years to come. It seems Sidney had a pretty good idea of Hunter’s future back when votes were needed. What will Sidney say if Hunter is gone before then end of this year? Or before the start of the 2007 season?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">His April 22 article is no longer available at the Star Tribune’s website.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">And if deceit isn’t enough, Sidney feels it’s okay to tell fans how he thinks the team should be run because, again, no one at the Twins front office can do it, right?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">On June 10, he wrote, “The best prospects should be given an opportunity to play because the Twins have no chance of overcoming the White Sox or Tigers this season. Give some of the better prospects at Class AAA Rochester the opportunity to develop here.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">On July 27, the Twins caught and tied the White Sox for the wild card lead in the American League. While that doesn’t mean much with two months remaining in the season, it goes to show that you never can tell, and when you decide to make statements like this, you should have some backup.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">Sidney still had time to write for the July 30 column, repenting for his horrible forecast. But no, Sidney has too much pride for that.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;">How long will it be before the Trib removes that article off the web? Then how long will it take for the Trib to see that Hartman is nothing more than a curmudgeonly old fan with little more than a free ticket to every game in the press box courtesy of Carl Pohlad, and a bad attitude toward the rest of the organization.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:12;" ><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">So, reader, you're thinking, 'Why does he read Sidney's column every Sunday?' Simple, I'm smarter than Sidney and love to show it.</span></span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1153677579449419002006-07-23T12:53:00.000-05:002006-07-23T13:00:23.746-05:00The Importance Of Sucking<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Recently <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2525585">ESPN reported</a> a woman in Boston settled litigation on baby bibs she was selling on eBay that had the phrase “Damon Sucks” on the front, referring to former Red Sox and current Yankee Johnny Damon. Damon’s agent, Scott Boras, complained to eBay that it “violated Damon's right of publicity.” eBay complied and removed the bibs, but since Boras couldn’t prove that she meant <span style="font-style: italic;">Johnny </span>Damon—there are currently two players in the majors with the name Damon, the other being Damon Hollins of the Devil Rays—he dropped the complaint as long as she didn’t use any other phrase that would tie the bib to the obvious. She was able to return the bibs to eBay.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">This woman has more brains than the attorney who aided her case.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">“Sports figures like Johnny Damon are important people in our society, and the First Amendment protects the right of the public to freely comment on them," said Glen Beck, who works for the Public Citizen Litigation Group and helped the case.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Johnny Damon is an important person in our society? Pardon me?<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Regardless of whether or not my reader is a Yankee fan, I have no problem writing that Johnny Damon’s importance in anyone’s life, except this schlub, ranks right up there with pencil shavings. And if Mr. Beck is my reader, then I suggest that the least he could do is add that he’s also a die-hard Yankee fan, because quotes like that are the reason we laugh at lawyer jokes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Johnny Damon, along with every single professional athlete on the planet, would be nothing more than unemployed if we didn’t fork over excessive amounts of money to watch him hit a baseball. If Johnny Damon, Damon Hollins or Matt Damon or vanished from the face of the planet tomorrow, my life will go on, as hard as that may seem, Mr. Beck. The only people who would suffer would be Mr. Punchline here and the producers of Oceans 13.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">And because he's the dork who said, “…and the First Amendment protects the right of the public to freely comment on them,” then I will not lose any sleep tonight by writing this:<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;font-family:Georgia;font-size:100%;" >Greg Beck Sucks.</span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1153442960049001622006-07-20T19:46:00.000-05:002006-07-20T19:49:20.066-05:00Blissful Ignorance<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Listening to a spirited debate among outrageously smart people is always fun because two things might happen: you might learn something you didn’t know and you might hear something really stupid.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">An Ivy League professor is arguing for the enactment of a law based on a current cultural debate. The subject of the debate is not important. Her reason to enact the law is: <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">It is tradition.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Her argument is that laws should be passed to make permanent the accepted traditions of society, especially her side of society. Her winning phrase was, “Tradition is the collective wisdom of society.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">I’m not Ivy League. I’m not even in a bowling league. This is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">It’s also one of the scariest because it happens all the time.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Laws are beliefs and traditions. Enough people believe speeding is bad, so it is outlawed. Enough people believe in the tradition of taking the day off on major holidays, so laws are in place to protect that tradition. Our government worked so hard to get that day off that they made it mandatory for government employees. It’s an option for the retail sector. Our esteemed representatives need to get their booze somewhere on July 4th.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">By definition, tradition is the passing down of elements of a particular culture from generation to generation, a culmination of trial and error, an agreed-upon event of significance that allows its supporters the gratification of routinely believing it. Most of these same supporters also use tradition as an excuse to avoid innovation or controversy, an easy rock to hide under. Tradition is the excuse when we won’t think for ourselves or change how we conduct our lives in our cultures. Not all traditions are bad, but all traditions are tried and safe. And if you have a problem with tradition, well, it <i>is</i> tradition. That is the way it’s always been.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Traditions are not practiced by every culture; different strokes for different folks. But they become so ingrained in the fabric that society can’t see the threads through the linen, respecting different beliefs. Supporters force them into law regardless of differing ideologies, especially problematic if the tradition is a stain on the culture to begin with.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Tradition is not a collective wisdom. Tradition is a collective ignorance.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia;">And I bet I’m a better bowler than Ms. Ivy League.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1152304307045398272006-07-07T15:29:00.000-05:002006-07-07T16:01:39.063-05:00Big Swing and a Miss<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I’m a huge baseball fan, a student of the game. At this time every year, I get asked the question, “Are you going to watch the All-Star game?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Nope. The All-Star Game is a joke and an embarrassment to the game.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">The simple reason is Bud Selig is a complete moron. But what fun would a blog be if I didn’t explain myself?<br /><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p><br />Because of the current voting system, this is an exhibition. Who cares if any league wins or loses? Fans want to see Albert Pujols versus Curt Schilling, David Ortiz versus Pedro Martinez, batter-pitcher matchups that occur only in fantasy leagues. Fans want to see what happens when the best home run hitters stand in the box and face the best strikeout pitchers.<br /><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">We drag through a game where more time is spent between innings promoting the highest bidder’s product. During the game, we see players hug and laugh because that’s what makes the game so great, hugging and laughing. The dugouts are jammed with players because of the stupid rule that every team must be represented, and every manager feels that he should give playing time to as many as players as possible, the latter half of the game looking more like pity because the field is littered with the extra guys who have replaced the starters, the guys no one pays to see and no one will remember 10 seconds after the game ends.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Because a baseball game ended in a tie—oh no!—in Milwaukee, Selig felt he needed to make the game worth something, like giving home field advantage during the World Series to the team from the league who wins the game. How can you award something so important to something so meaningless? Well, he’s Bud Selig, and he doesn’t like tie games. This should go down in history as one of the dumbest decisions ever made by a human being.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Instead of watching a true All-Star Game, I get to see an All-Popularity Game. Instead of watching truly the most gifted ballplayers, I get to see a playground game where the managers get to pick from the pile. And, like those games, everyone has to be on a team. And instead of watching the best pitcher in the world face the best batter, I get to see hugging.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Puke.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">But this is not the fault of the players or managers or fans. This is Selig’s fault. He’s put the responsibility of home field advantage on 90 percent of players who won’t be there in the fall. Do you think Pittsburgh’s Jason Bay, one of the starting outfielders for the National League, cares at all about getting home field advantage for the N.L.? There’s no way Pittsburgh makes it to the post-season, much less the fall classic. How about Mike Redman, the lone representative from the lowly Royals? When he gets his share of an inning to do nothing spectacular, do you think he’ll care if the American League gets the win? The answer is no. Not one bit. And if the players say they care, they’re lying to save face. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Major League ballplayers aren't born with some extra competitive “major league” emotion. Anyone who has ever played on a terrible ball team knows the feeling. You start the season and lose so badly that you know you won’t be going to any playoffs. And you don’t care if anyone else makes it either. Maybe you get to play spoiler, but a fat paycheck doesn’t change that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">If Selig were to put that kind of responsibility on the players, the least he could do is take the voting away from everyone and put it in the hands of statistics that would award the best performing players to date to create the best competition on the field and possibly provide the best chances for each team to win.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Let’s take a look at some of the statistical jokes through July 4<sup>th</sup>, one week before the All-Star Game. Taking the two most popular offensive categories of batting average and home runs, the American League boasts exactly no starters that are leading their league in both at their respective positions. Boston’s David Ortiz gets to play first base because he got so many votes that he has to go somewhere since the game is in Pittsburgh and there’s no DH—boohoo. He doesn’t even rank among first baseman. Two starters, Derek Jeter and Ichiro Suzuki, are the only starters leading the A.L. in their respective positions in batting average, and Manny Ramirez is the only player leading the league in homers at his position.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">In fact, the only starting position player who actually leads his league in both batting average and home runs is the Marlins’ Paul Lo Duca. He got the N.L. nod at catcher with a .292 average and three home runs, numbers that would never put him in any category of greatness. He certainly wasn’t voted onto the team because of his propensity for throwing out base stealers, which ranks near the bottom right around 22 percent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">What’s more interesting is that some of the players leading the league in a certain statistic aren’t even going. Jason Giambi? Leading the A.L. in home runs for first basemen, and sitting on his couch on the 11<sup>th</sup>. Bill Hall? The shortstop for the Brewers has clubbed 17 dingers, but will be drinking alone, because David Eckstein, the killer clubber, has four, yes FOUR homers.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p>Even though hitting prowess is the primary reason for being an All-Star, taking a peek at defense shows even worse discrepancies. Only one starter from either league is leading at his position in defense: Ivan Rodriguez. Detroit's human backstop has not only posted a perfect fielding percentage, but has also thrown out over 50 percent of would-be base stealers. There are 17 other guys who can't use defense as a reason to be an All-Star.<br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br />Finally, Alfonso Soriano is starting in the outfield for the National League. This is the same guy who refused to take the field during spring training games because he didn’t want to play the outfield. Soriano is a selfish player who does not care about what’s good for the team. His reward? Starting for the National League in the All-Star Game.<o:p></o:p></span></span> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Those who voted for Soriano should never have children. Big mistake.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Looking at pitchers, it seems this was done right, except for an absolutely blaring and stupid move.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Pitcher Mike Redman was voted by his teammates to be the representative to the All-Star Game from the Royals because the Royals couldn’t generate enough fan interest to get anyone voted on. Redman is ranked 30<sup>th</sup> in the A.L. in strikeouts and 41<sup>st</sup> in ERA. Yet he’s there. Who isn’t? Francisco Liriano, the rookie pitcher for the Twins who is currently leading the league with a 1.99 ERA. Redman can barely hold a job in the major leagues, yet he’s getting the privilege over another pitcher who is getting dangerously close to Bob Gibson-esque numbers.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Fortunately, the fans can be spared on this pick. This was the pick of the Royals team. If the best they can do is throw this guy to the wolves, then perhaps it is time to fold up the Royals so other teams can stock their minor leagues.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">You’re going to pin the hopes of World Series home field advantage on this?<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">If the game means so much, why doesn’t MLB make sure the absolute best from each league plays? Because, that would be boring.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Everyone knows that good pitching beats good hitting every time. Most of these hitters have not seen these pitchers on a regular basis, so chances are good the pitcher will win the duel.<span style=""> </span>Which, in some sort of ironic twist, would benefit the game. The game would go about two hours, instead of the marketed four, and be a true nailbiter. How empty would the watercooler be the next day if the game, and the World Series advantage, rested on the final out between Albert Pujols and Mariano Rivera? Instead, it may very well be decided by Redman and Lo Duca.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">Yet 1-0 ballgames are boring, right? We want a home run barrage, right? Then let the home run derby determine the World Series advantage. If you’re going to put that kind of responsibility in the hands of the most popular statistic today, the home run, then line up the biggest sluggers and let ‘em duke it out. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">The current state of the All-Star Game is sad, to say the least. Instead of watching the best ballplayers on the planet battle for the right to have one extra game at home in October, we get to watch a lot of commercials and we get to listen to Tim “I’m Profoundly Smart And Will Prove To All You Idiot Fans” McCarver.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;">And hugging. We always see hugging. It’s like the game is a long lost reunion for these kids.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <span style="font-size:100%;"><span style=";font-family:Georgia;font-size:100%;" >Every day fans shell out the big bucks to go see their favorite baseball players. This game was designed to reward the fans by putting the best against the best. Until it gets back to that kind of competition, I’ll pass. And judging by the TV ratings from the past few years, some of you agree.</span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1151112420994633772006-06-23T20:14:00.000-05:002006-06-23T20:27:01.006-05:00Ozzie And Harriet This Aint<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p><br />On Tuesday night, after what appears to be a pattern of disharmony between the two, the Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen called Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti a “fag.” No member of any sport or journalistic establishment has the right to make personally harassing remarks. To make matters worse, Guillen made the excuse that the word means something else in his native language, as if he had no idea what that word means in English.<o:p></o:p><br /><br /></span>Every person who wears a uniform for a sport accepts that regardless of the performance, someone won’t like it. And regardless of how many times you have to answer a question, someone else will ask it again. And regardless of how upset you are over a win, loss, or rainout, you have to keep your emotions in check and be professional.<br /><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><br />Guillen acts like a 12 year-old because everyone lets him. He has forgotten that reporters are the only reason anyone ever hears or reads what he says.<br /><br />The media has clearly sided with Mariotti because of Guillen's outspoken past. Columnists along with Mariotti are calling for a suspension and fine. Guillen did receive a fine, but was already suspended for a prior "conviction."<o:p></o:p><br /><br />In response to Guillen’s actions, Mariotti claimed he had been physically threatened in the White Sox clubhouse over the past few years. "I'm taking a stand," Mariotti said on Wednesday. "I've received physical threats through the years and the White Sox have done nothing to address it.”<o:p></o:p><br /> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p><br />So you’re going to wait until a manager with the social complexity of pine tar calls you a “fag” to bring this up? You’re going to throw years of apparent abuse on top of a manager calling you a name?<o:p></o:p><br /><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Mariotti is a weasel and wimp and needs to check his rabbit ears at the door. He takes abuse for years, does nothing about it then calls out the entire White Sox organization because of one word and a clear lack of thick skin? That’s pathetic. If he has a problem with Guillen, he needs to take it behind closed doors and settle it like an adult. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Ozzie Guillen wears his emotions on his sleeve like Donald Trump wears bad hair; you just can’t avoid it. Mariotti knew this every time he walked into the clubhouse. If past episodes occurred, then Mariotti should have done the right thing and speak up to White Sox officials and, if necessary, boycott the clubhouse then, not wait for more abuse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">I’m surprised that Mariotti hasn’t retaliated by calling Guillen a poopy stinky head.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Of course then Guillen would say, “I am rubber and you are glue, you fag. And whatever you say does not stick to me it sticks to you, fag."<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Georgia;">Then they would both get a time out.</span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1150639951674392802006-06-18T09:02:00.000-05:002006-06-18T09:12:31.696-05:00Take Me Out To The Pitch Match<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Once every four years, a fever envelops all corners of the earth like no other pandemic. Peoples from all walks of life gather around the nearest form of aural or visual broadcasting and intoxicate themselves on the sights and sounds, the joys and pains, the wins and losses.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">The World Cup is upon us right now. The number one spectator sport in the world is in full swing. The sport generates billions of dollars in revenue from tickets, merchandise, marketing, and advertising.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">I turned on the television as today’s match between the United States and Italy was to begin. The first ad I saw was for ESPN/ABC. They used “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” as the jingle to promote their coverage of the tournament. Right after that there was an intro with The Star Spangled Banner as the music bed for a video montage, the music performed by an unknown retread guitarist from the 80’s banging on his axe like a four year-old.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">So I must ask: Who’s the moron who gave the green light to produce this offal? Can’t anyone find a more appropriate jingle? Answering my own question, obviously not. I have worked in television production for many years. I’ll bet jingles to stock footage this is the way that production meeting went:<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">OVERPAID UNDERTALENTED EXECUTIVE PRODUCER SNOB: Okay, gang. We need to generate real excitement for the World Cup. The U.S. won’t be in it that long, like before, so we need to do this right. This will be a terrific chance for us to show the world what we know about the game of kickball!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">ASSISTANT BROWNNOSING INTERN PRODUCER: Soccer.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Soccer!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">GUTLESS UNORIGINAL LEMMING PRODUCER: We don’t have any footage of the U.S. actually winning, so we’re going to go with kids from low-income housing that run around a sandlot with a half-deflated soccer ball. One of them will look up as if to hope that one day he or she will be on the U.S. team. Either that or we can use small pieces of video from U.S. matches, nothing of real excitement unless we add a bunch of special effects.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Fantastic! In my career as a producer of the classic emotional-cliché sports montage, I have never heard of anything like that. What a great, original idea!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: Great idea, boss!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">ASSISTANT LEMMING PRODUCER: It was my idea.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Now. We need music. And it can’t be any music. It has to breathe kickball!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: Soccer, sir.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Soccer! Yes! And it has to feel like we have been playing this sport for decades!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: Or at least longer than ESPN has been on the air, right boss?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Right! So, what kind of music should we have?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: Well, we don’t actually have any real soccer music.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: What about that Rocky Marciano fella who has that Locomotive Living song?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: You mean Ricky Martin, who sang “Living La Vida Loca?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Rocky Martini! How about him? And can someone get me a Martini? Light on the vermouth, heavy on the martini! HA!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: Boss, he’s sooooo 1994 World Cup.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Right! We need something that says 2006! This is 2006, right?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: We don’t really have anything specifically for soccer, so we need to think about other sports music that sounds great.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Okay. So what other music really screams the thrill of victory! The agony of defeat!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: The NFL has “Are you ready for some football?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: That’s perfect! Isn’t that what foreigners call kickball?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: It’s called soccer, and the term foreigners isn’t really appropriate language here.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Oh! I’m sorry about that. I thought only people outside of America really like this stuff. Is foreigner wrong to use? I just get so excited when I produce stuff and talk loudly! Where’s my martini?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: Major League Baseball has “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: What’s Major League Baseball?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: You don’t know what Major League Baseball is? It’s professional baseball, with teams all over the country.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Wait! Is that the game with the little white balls and wood sticks and steroids?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: Right again, big guy!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Wow! I only thought there were two teams in that game, the Boston Red team and the New York Derek Jeter stuff! That’s all we ever show on ESPN!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: One and the same, boss!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Let’s use that! No one outside of America knows that song, so let’s roll with it! How original! Boy, this is going to be a great commercial. Kids playing on a dirt field with that “Take Me And Ball Me Out” tune!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: You mean “Take Me Out To The-<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Whatever! Let’s do it! Where’s my martini?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: Coming right up, chief!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: What about the rest of the programming?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Well, we need something that screams America!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: We could go with our national anthem.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: Or we could go with the Star Spangled Banner. How ‘bout that, big guy?!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Love it, LOVE IT! The Star Speckled-<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: Spangled. And that was my idea-<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Sprinkled Banner! Terrific! Where do we get that music?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: I have a friend who used to be in an 80’s band. They do a totally choy version, if you know what I mean.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Not really, but if you can find me a choy martini, the production is all yours.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: Hey! Wait! This was all my idea!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Let’s do it. You, the one with the stuff on your nose!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">BROWNNOSER: That’s me, big guy!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: This is all yours! Great meeting. I’d like to see the finished piece on my desk first thing in the morning!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">LEMMING: You don’t have a desk here.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">SNOB: Then drop it off at the bar across the street!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Since it was written in 1908, “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” has exclusively celebrated the game of baseball, becoming one of the most recognizable pieces of original American music ever.<span style=""> </span>Complete lack of originality and stupidity can be the only reasons ESPN thought it was good idea to use it for promoting the World Cup. And if I was a fan of the World Cup or a representative of FIFA, I would be insulted.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Memo to ESPN producers: With all the resources in ABC and Disney and the sporting world, if you can’t come up with something more original than to steal music from another sport, you should go hang yourselves.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">And none of you know how to make a good martini.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1150459709755320232006-06-16T07:01:00.000-05:002006-06-16T07:08:29.763-05:00A Real Head-Shaker<span style="font-family: georgia;">I try to keep my political views to a dull roar on this blog. I also won't play political favorites. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_colbert_report/index.jhtml">This is an excerpt from Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report," where Stephen Colbert interviews Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia.</a><br /><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;">This is a another black eye on the pock-marked face of government, and this is embarrasing.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1150283480758864582006-06-14T06:06:00.000-05:002006-06-16T05:50:12.326-05:00Loyalty? Or Jock Itch?<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><br />One of my favorite times of the Major League Baseball season is when teams must employ their minor league system because players get hurt or traded or, frankly, suck. Apparently, if you can’t find a winner floating in trade land, you’ll be forced to bring up that number one pick who’s been swimming in your minor league system for a couple of years. And when that happens, teams seem to concede – almost with shoulder-shrugged glee! – the season. <o:p></o:p><br /><br />You’ll hear all the clichés: “He’s not quite ready, but we need a shot in the arm.” “We’re going to look to him for leadership.” “He’s ready to show what he’s got at the major league level.” “We need a new rookie to find the keys to the batter’s box.” All these used to reflect that the team is in dire straits.<o:p></o:p><br /><br />When Branch Rickey built what is essentially today’s minor league system, he did it because he knew that’s where ballplayers come from. Now it’s a nuisance to have to actually develop a young player into a solid addition to the team rather than go out and just buy one. Major League Baseball teams, like a 16 year-old girl with her Friday allowance, don’t understand investing in the future. They want to spend money now for instant gratification. And if a team can’t get what they want, they piss and moan about it, write off the rest of the season and pray that a free agent will be around in the off-season.<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Because I read the entire Sunday Star Tribune newspaper, I read Sidney “I’m The Reason The Twins Got A New Park” Hartman. And I find a reason, every single week, to pull my hair out of my head. I love to read what other people think. But I detest when opinions are baseless, ignorant, and written because the writer likes to see his or her name in print.<o:p></o:p><br /><br />For the past several weeks, Hartman has stumped for Carl “Crybaby” Pohlad’s efforts to get a new ballpark for the Twins. He sided with Carl’s threat that if the Twins didn’t get a new park, Carl would take them elsewhere. Instead of good journalism and editorial, Sidney wrote exactly what readers needed to hate anyone opposed to a new ballpark, regardless of how much it will cost Mr. and Mrs. Non-Baseball-Loving Taxpayer. He spread the gospel of Carl and the Twins, generating the love, and he’ll get his free press box seat. If you ask some of his readers, they’ll claim Sidney is the reason the Twins got the park.<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Now it seems Sidney is singing a different tune. In Sunday’s [<a href="http://www.startribune.com/507/story/485657.html">June 11</a>] paper he writes, “The best prospects should be given an opportunity to play because the Twins have no chance of overcoming the White Sox or Tigers this season. Give some of the better prospects at Class AAA Rochester the opportunity to develop here.”<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Kinesaw help us all! Forget about winning the division. Forget about he wild card. Now that the Twins have finished their 60-game season, they must resort to employing lowlife minor leaguers, those spare parts that the Minnesota Yugos needs to finish out a wasted 2006 campaign. Sidney has given up on the team that he gets to watch for free for the rest of his life.<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Any true fan will support their favorite team regardless of the outcome of every game. And a true fan never gives up on their team. That is the realism every fan accepts when choosing loyalty to a particular team.<span style=""> </span>Sidney’s support changes every time the wind blows. Bandwagon fans call him an athletic supporter, but I prefer a more accurate description:<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Jock strap.<o:p></o:p><br /><br />He then writes, “What's hard to understand is that after 60 games a year ago, the Twins had a record of 36-24. The only real loss from last year's team is Jacque Jones, who is having a great year with the Cubs, but they added a three-time All-Star second baseman in Luis Castillo to plug a big hole, along with free agents Rondell White and Tony Batista. Still, the Twins were a poor 27-33 this season after the same number of games.”<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Geez, I dunno, Sid. But I’ll take a stab at it: <o:p></o:p><br /><br />Look that these player stats, through June 11, 2006:<br /><!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br /><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p>PLAYER/AVG./OBP./SLG./2006 SALARY<o:p></o:p><br /> Batista, Tony/.236/.303/.388/$1,250,000<br /> Castillo, Luis<span style=""> /.</span>282/.346/.357/$5,071,506<o:p></o:p><br /> White, Rondell/.190<span style=""> /</span>.209/.224/$2,500,000<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Now, let’s throw Nick Punto into this mix:<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Punto, Nick/.310/.406/.391/$690,000<o:p></o:p><br /><br />The Twins GM, Terry Ryan, went out and spent almost nine million dollars on an overrated infielder and two has-beens, while he had what appears to be a better player sitting on the bench the whole time. I’m supposed to believe that these players were the best the Twins could do with nine million bucks?<o:p></o:p><br /><br />By the way, through June 11 of last year, Jacque Jones was hitting .290. This year he’s hitting at .297. Hardly carrying the team on his shoulders.<span style=""> </span>It’s always easy to compare when the player is on another team.<o:p></o:p><br /><br />Maybe that will help you understand, Sidney.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><span style=""> </span>Actually, what is hard to understand is that since Carl got his new playground, he has not said one word about it. In Hartman’s <a href="http://www.startribune.com/507/story/387539.html">April 22</a> column, he wrote, “In fact, you could see Pohlad spending some money to improve the team this year once a ballpark becomes a reality.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><span style=""> </span>I still can’t see that. And judging by Hartman’s recent rant, I will never see it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;"><span style=""> </span>Did Carl say it was okay for you to write this, Sidney?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">POST SCRIPT</span>: On Wednesday, the Twins designated Tony Batista for assignment. Nice try, Terry. Maybe you can find some other way to wasted the money.<br /></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1149091134778778582006-05-31T10:57:00.000-05:002006-05-31T11:10:13.583-05:004,190,001<span style="font-family:georgia;">Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a child. They named the child “Shiloh.”<br /><br />Now my life can finally get back to normal. After learning of this monumental moment over the Memorial Day weekend, it was a welcome relief from paying respect to the hundreds of thousands of service men and women who have fought and died for our country to provide me with the freedom to Google for “Brangelina” and read daily about their awesome life. A Google search for “Brangelina” brought up 4,190,000 hits. That’s right: Over FOUR MILLION hits.<br /><br />Oh, how I wish I was a compound.<br /><br />We all need a little escape from our everyday life of the mundane. “Pittolie” (67 hits on Google) escaped to an African nation! But can’t we find ANYTHING more compelling to follow than actors kanoodling and making babies? Is this type of news really worth the web page it’s posted on?<br /><br />No. It’s not. But I live in a culture where the majority of people can name the five American Idols but not the last five Presidents.<br /><br />Who do we blame for this? Simon Cowell? Maury Povich? Katie Couric? Nope. We can blame “BrAn" (14 million hits, only about 26,000 of which refer to our compound in question).<br /><br />The only way to learn about the private life of a celebrity is if the celebrity in question opens the door to the home. It’s one of the last vestiges of fame that a celebrity can grasp before s/he or sh/it swirls around the toilet of obscurity before being flushed into the sewer of the “B-movie” community.<br /><br />Of course, we all know the final frontier for a has-been is one of two options:<br /><br />Show up as a guest commentator on <em>VH1’s I Love Some Period In Time With The 100 Hottest Celebrity Hook Up Mistakes Caught On Film By The 100 Best Comedy Films Of All Time Showing The Worst Rock And Roll Hairdos That Got Caught In A Drum Set While Being Shipped To Fargo To Appear On The Top List Of Completely Irrelevant And Forgettable Things Because We Haven’t Got A Single Creative Idea Anywhere On This Planet</em> marathon all this week on ninety percent of cable channels that you wish you didn’t pay for.<br /><br />or<br /><br />Appear on a reality game show living with 16 other has-been celebrities and try to hook up with any of them because Americans love a good gross-out.<br /><br />Once this article is cached by Mr. Google, I will be number 4,190,001.<br /><br />Excuse me while I go watch VH1.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27337327.post-1148515131692897122006-05-24T18:53:00.000-05:002006-05-24T18:59:31.770-05:00If Only They Spent As Much To Find My Keys<p style="font-family: georgia;" class="textbodyblack"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="">From MSNBC.com on Wednesday, May 24, 2006<br /><br />”MILFORD TOWNSHIP, Mich. - An excavating machine on Wednesday began ripping chunks out of a barn on a horse farm where dozens of FBI agents and others have been searching for the remains of former Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa since last week.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p style="font-family: georgia;" class="textbodyblack"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="">“The farm was once owned by a Hoffa associate and is located not far from where the former Teamsters chief vanished in 1975. No trace of Hoffa has ever been found, and no one has ever been charged in the case.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:85%;" ><span style="">“Agents plan to spend a couple weeks trying to determine if Hoffa is buried somewhere on the farm about 30 miles northwest of Detroit. Officials have said the search would involve cadaver dogs, demolition experts, archaeologists and anthropologists.”<br /><br />And they’re spending taxpayer dollars to do this.<br /><br />Instead of searching for the man responsible for the deaths of 3,000 men and women only five years ago, the FBI has enough time and enough of our money to search for a man who disappeared 30 years ago.<br /><br />So what happens if they find the body?<br /><br />The government will spend another umpteen gazillion dollars checking DNA to see if it’s really Hoffa, then do forensics to see how he died, then take another decade to investigate who killed Hoffa because he probably didn’t just walk into that shallow, freshly dug grave, finally figuring out that the man or woman who killed Hoffa has been dead for several years, then exhuming that pile of bones to see if he or she died of unnatural causes, then writing a 9,000 page report that some congressional committee will be formed to read and report on and edit for public use while avoiding disclosing any secret grave digging techniques, then publishing it and allowing Geraldo Rivera to interview Hoffa’s murderer’s late nephew’s sister who dated a guy “from New Joisee” who saw Hoffa about three months before Hoffa died and has a foot locker underneath his bed with a combination lock that he doesn’t have the combination to so Rivera can blow it up on live, primetime television, to find a sock and bottle of 40 year-old scotch that Rivera will guzzle like there’s no tomorrow and grow two moustaches, then be interviewed by Access Hollywood who will give a sneak peek at the new film starring John Travolta as Oprah Winfrey and Tom Cruise’s love child, Tomoprahwincru (pronounced “Couchjumper” in Scientologyland), in a remake of “Lord Of The Teamsters: The Story Of Jimmy Hoffa,” based on the truthiness of Jimmy “Distant Memory” Frey’s memoir titled, “A Million Little Pieces Of Words Alljumbledtogether In Myheadithurtssomuchwhiteheatjimmycagneytopoftheworldma.”<br /><br />All the while child molesters, rapists, drug dealers, and crooked politicians are alive and well and continuing to do their business every day.<br /><br />Priorities. Ain’t they a bitch?</span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0