When I was in college I performed with the school’s theater group. This proved two very important points. The acting was terrible. And as a thespian I was obligated to watch the Academy Awards.
Every year, I would be asked ad nauseam, “Did you watch the Oscars last night?” Every year, my response was, “Nope.”
“Why not!? Everyone else did! As a Thespian, you should be curious to see who won!” Heathen! How dare I not delight in a night of recognition of the year’s most outstanding achievements in film while soaking up the couture of my fellow actors! Indeed, this is a blow to all Thespianity!
I don’t watch the Academy Awards because I don’t care. I don’t care who wins what, who wears whom, and who didn’t get thanked. I don’t care how the party was after the show. I don’t care because I don’t need an award show to tell me what I think are the best performances of the year. Most importantly, I don’t care because the Academy never called and asked me to pick the winners. Sacreligious Thespites they are, I tell you!
One time I was asked, “I prefer the Tony’s, don’t you?” I replied, “No. I like the DiGiorno.”
It’s always necessary to recap each nominee within a category by showing us a clip from the film, doing a musical number from a song in the film, interviewing someone from the film, going to a commercial that promotes the DVD release of the film, coming back and honoring someone with a lifetime achievement that has culminated with his or her work on the film, going to another commercial promoting the super expanded and unrated two-disc DVD release of the film, coming back from commercial to honor the catering service with a lifetime achievement award for delivering meals to four of the top five films of the year with the fifth film’s set opting for DiGiorno Pizza each day. Then only three hours left until you find out that your favorite film did not win whatever award you were hoping the film and crew would take home because it was one of the awards given out before the event went on the air.
So on Monday, while the entire civilization frets over the best and worst dressed Thespians, I’ll be clothed in my favorite sweatpants and feasting on a lavish meal of day-old DiGiorno pizza with Coke while watching Sesame Street with my daughter. Hold the anchovies.