The Dirty Diaper
Because the web is full of it.Thursday, May 18, 2006
Someone Has Some Smiting To Do
One of the upsides of being faithful to your religion is that you have an out. If you say something that offends people, you can use your religion as an excuse. Religion is belief. When you believe something, you can use your spiritual leader as the source of your views. One of the downsides is that you are an idiot.
On May 8, Pat Robertson said, "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms." On Wednesday, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."
How does this guy still have a pulpit? Every time Robertson makes news it’s not because he speaks about hearing from God, it’s because he’s full of baloney. This has to be one of the weakest efforts to predict something that I will ever hear. He cannot be more obscure.
Here’s what he really said, “A voice in my head started talking to me. It might have been the Lord. It might not. I’m not sure because I wasn’t really paying attention. The coasts of America will be lashed by storms. I don’t know if that means North America or South America, but there will be lashing on some America on some coast. I’m not sure how big or small the storms will be, or the frequency with which they will lash the coasts of America, but the lashing will consist of nothing weaker than storms. There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest. That doesn’t mean it will actually reach land, or that anyone will die, or that it will even resemble anything close to a wave that might be the size of something near a tsunami, it just well may be something as bad as a tsunami. If any of this does happen, then I can say that I heard it from the Lord, not a crazy voice, and I was right, and I told you so.”
Basically, if it rains in Seattle he's the second coming.
That’s as far away from a divine prediction as you can get while actually staying in the universe. I’m certain there are lemmings out there who have as much faith in the same god, if not more, who are scratching their heads thinking, “Gosh, my god never said anything to me, and I live in the Pacific Northwest!” Of course not, you menial, low-life rodent! You do not have direct communication with any god! You do not pray hard enough to get donations! You do not have an '800' number! Most important, you are not the CEO of The 700 Club!
On Thursday, MSNBC.com asked people, “Do you believe Pat Robertson received warnings from God about storms and tsunamis?” 78% said no. 11% said yes. The other 11% didn’t know because they heard a voice in their heads that said, “If I heard MSNBC.com right about this poll, Pat Robertson may have lashes.”
How does this make national news? There is someone on this planet, right now, probably still alive and still on the loose from the asylum, who thought, “Oh. I need to tell someone he said that. We should have a press release! This is big, really big!”
I have predicted for the past twenty-four years that the Brewers would win the World Series, but no one listens. No one puts out memos or press releases, and the Brewers never win the Series. Is it because millions of people won’t be at risk of dying? Is it because no one has lashes? Is it because the Brewers have been the farm team for the rest of the majors for the past two decades? Or is it that I can’t rely on a god to deliver the goods, or 200+ innings from five starters with a closer who’ll notch 45 saves each year, or a team batting average of .300, or an RBI machine?
Silly me. I need to refine my prediction:
The Brewers WILL win the World Series this year, right after the ground rumbles with something more than a car with big bass speakers driving by and less than total worldwide destruction that may or may not involve widespread panic, dogs and cats living together, and frogs possibly falling from the sky. I know this because a voice in my head, or my radio, may or may not have talked to me last night in my drunken stupor, right after I ran out of marijuana and started to smoke a salmon.
Oh, and Pat Robertson will turn into phytoplankton and be pooped out by a whale.
On May 8, Pat Robertson said, "If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms." On Wednesday, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."
How does this guy still have a pulpit? Every time Robertson makes news it’s not because he speaks about hearing from God, it’s because he’s full of baloney. This has to be one of the weakest efforts to predict something that I will ever hear. He cannot be more obscure.
Here’s what he really said, “A voice in my head started talking to me. It might have been the Lord. It might not. I’m not sure because I wasn’t really paying attention. The coasts of America will be lashed by storms. I don’t know if that means North America or South America, but there will be lashing on some America on some coast. I’m not sure how big or small the storms will be, or the frequency with which they will lash the coasts of America, but the lashing will consist of nothing weaker than storms. There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest. That doesn’t mean it will actually reach land, or that anyone will die, or that it will even resemble anything close to a wave that might be the size of something near a tsunami, it just well may be something as bad as a tsunami. If any of this does happen, then I can say that I heard it from the Lord, not a crazy voice, and I was right, and I told you so.”
Basically, if it rains in Seattle he's the second coming.
That’s as far away from a divine prediction as you can get while actually staying in the universe. I’m certain there are lemmings out there who have as much faith in the same god, if not more, who are scratching their heads thinking, “Gosh, my god never said anything to me, and I live in the Pacific Northwest!” Of course not, you menial, low-life rodent! You do not have direct communication with any god! You do not pray hard enough to get donations! You do not have an '800' number! Most important, you are not the CEO of The 700 Club!
On Thursday, MSNBC.com asked people, “Do you believe Pat Robertson received warnings from God about storms and tsunamis?” 78% said no. 11% said yes. The other 11% didn’t know because they heard a voice in their heads that said, “If I heard MSNBC.com right about this poll, Pat Robertson may have lashes.”
How does this make national news? There is someone on this planet, right now, probably still alive and still on the loose from the asylum, who thought, “Oh. I need to tell someone he said that. We should have a press release! This is big, really big!”
I have predicted for the past twenty-four years that the Brewers would win the World Series, but no one listens. No one puts out memos or press releases, and the Brewers never win the Series. Is it because millions of people won’t be at risk of dying? Is it because no one has lashes? Is it because the Brewers have been the farm team for the rest of the majors for the past two decades? Or is it that I can’t rely on a god to deliver the goods, or 200+ innings from five starters with a closer who’ll notch 45 saves each year, or a team batting average of .300, or an RBI machine?
Silly me. I need to refine my prediction:
The Brewers WILL win the World Series this year, right after the ground rumbles with something more than a car with big bass speakers driving by and less than total worldwide destruction that may or may not involve widespread panic, dogs and cats living together, and frogs possibly falling from the sky. I know this because a voice in my head, or my radio, may or may not have talked to me last night in my drunken stupor, right after I ran out of marijuana and started to smoke a salmon.
Oh, and Pat Robertson will turn into phytoplankton and be pooped out by a whale.
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